WebMD aside, self-diagnosis is not a good thing. After watching a recent PBS special on brain functions I discovered I'm afflicted with a prefrontal cortex abnormality.
For the life of me I can't remember the medical term so I turned to my wife, a former registered nurse, sure she would have the proper terminology at her finger tips. Unfortunately its been too many years, too many career changes for her to recall the proper medical term so she reverted to the more familiar wifely term "Youactlikeajerkosis."
Not one to stand by and see my brain atrophy I began my research in earnest, eventually discovering the modern day elixir, fish oil, to be just what the doctor ordered. I read the typical dose was 1 mg but a "friend" suggested a more appropriate dose for my condition would be 3 mg. I think I heard her mumble something under her breath that sounded like "Youareabigfatjerkosis." - apparently a more advanced stage of the disease.
Just as I was about to head down to the local GNC store to seek out the required capsules I recalled my early childhood experience with cod liver oil, Castor oil, and that dreaded Dr. John's Tonic. That recollection stopped me in my tracks. There was no way I wanted to relive the thrill of feeling the contents of my stomach leave my body by way of my mouth or any other orifice.
What to do? Seek out a modern day medicine man! My friend Bruce referred me to Dr. Ron, his personal shaman. Dr. Ron claims to be a bonafide medical doctor but I have never seen any sign of a degree or other credentials. He combines modern medical science with the natural healing powers of herbs and "weeds" (he does still sport a pony tail) and mixes in a modicum of spirituality and the mysticism of all things natural for good measure.
Like most traditional doctors Dr. Ron does not make house calls so we met in a restaurant. Well, actually our first encounter was at a bar sharing a Belvedere Vodka - straight up, thank you!, followed by a bottle of Pouilly-Fume. Needless to say, I liked this guy's bedside manner.
After describing my predicament and self-diagnosis Dr. Ron had to agree with my wife's assessment: my prefrontal cortex was the root of all evil. But he held out hope - no need for fish oil capsules. He could accomplish the same results with this version of brain food based on the weed purslane, probably growing wild in my garden. Considered a weed in the US, it has more Omega-3 fatty acids than any other leafy plant. Taking out his prescription pad, the back of an envelope, he jotted down this formula.
Whole milk yogurt
Purslane
Cucumber
Black pepper
Garlic
Chopped tomatoes
Gorgonzola cheese
Mix thoroughly and refrigerate. Eat as much and as often as you like.
When I asked about weights and measures Dr. Ron said, "That sounds like a good idea! Lets have another glass of wine!"
Well, it's been three weeks now and three containers of his yogurt/purslane concoction and I'm feeling just fine, a little more gassy than usual but I chalk that up to the jerk in me passing from my body. At my next appointment with the good Doctor I'm going to ask him about erectile dysfunction. I wonder if he knows the formula for Plaster of Paris?
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